I'm realizing just how low my self-esteem was. I see my life and so many times I've ran and hid away. I'm done being afraid of who I might hurt by being who I really am. I'm done allowing myself be used by others. I won't be the bitch that everyone hates, but I won't be a doormat, either. I am done with wearing guy's clothes. I am a woman and am going to show my pride. I am going to stand on my own two feet again,...and this time, I'm not going to let someone drag me down. I refuse to go down again. I'm done giving excuses to myself and everyone around me. You know that point where you just can't take it anymore...Yeah, I crossed that about a week ago and I'm fucking done with all the bullshit! I'm taking my confidence back one piece at a time, going forward one step at a time. I'm not going to stop or even slow down, until I meet my goal. No one, friend or enemy, will stand in the way of what I have to do...and for the first time, in a long time, I'm thinking of myself first...and I must say, DAMN! It feels good to let that out!! *sigh* okay, I feel better.

Thoughts of what could have been swim through my mind as I'd take a drag off of a cigarette. It was the only light I would see in the darkness of night. The loss of those close to me created a gaping casm in my soul. The chaos that I felt drove me closer to the edge of that void. It seemed that only terrible things happened to me. I was so close to becoming lost within myself. . . That was when I met him. He was there when I needed to cry, he held me close when I felt abandoned, and he scolded me when I needed it. He quickly became my best friend and savior. Without a spoken word, with a touch of his hand, he guided me from my own torment and tought me to live again. He told me one night, whispering into my ear, that tomorrow is another day. He accepted me for the battered goods that I thought I was, only to teach me that I was more than that. He gave me peace, when I could not find it on my own. I did not know why, but I trusted him with all of my being. I understood him and what I didn't understand, I accepted. He didn't try to change me, like all the others did. He made me want to change...for the better. I stopped my tears of self-pity, held my head high, and moved forward. Then, he took away my breath when we kissed good night. It was as if fate intended for it to happen, whether it was to help me move on or for him to get over his past. I didn't intend to and he didn't intend to...It was just one of those things that just happen. We fact became lovers. Now, I realize that I started to fall for him that night, when we kissed in the rain. I love him and to me, love means giving someone else the power to destroy you and trusting them not to. And I love him. I intend to give this man my heart and hope for the best. Now, as I watch my cigarette burn in the dawn's gentle light, I smile. No matter what, for better or worse, he will forever be in my spirit. To me, he is everything: a person, a hero, a friend, a lover, and a man...A man who I would walk through Hell to be with. He has imperfections, true, but to me, he is who he is and that is why I love him. I've not a clue if he loves me the same way, but if not, I will accept him anyway and my love for him will go on, even if I have to cage it within my soul. To me, love was not meant to be caged, but I am willing to sacrifice my love for him...Just to see him happy.

It seems to me, that this world of insanity and confusion will end one day. I can imagine the panic and pandimonium and I can't help but smile. Is that wrong? I mean, it isn't that I want the world to end, because I don't. It just seems logical that if the world was to end, would you rather die smiling or rushing around like your fanny was on fire, searching for those five hundred dollar sunglasses that you just HAD to have?? I would rather die smiling, but while I'm at it, I would probably go around and do a few things to a few people (naming no names here) and I wouldn't regret it for a second. Hey! They were gonna die anyway! hehe...oops, I just spilled the beans. ......JOKING! but you still get my point. This new generation (and unfortunately mine, as well) of barbie dolls and drug dealers (and hOOters) simply raises one word to my mind: DISGUSTING! There are a few people, who like me, do not like the norm. We have been labeled as outcasts since pre-school, or at least, I have. Anyway, just to wake you up from your preposterously bitter coffee and stale donut...If you were to die tomorrow, how would you spend today? Something to stimulate your brain.....if you have one. lol

I was 7 years old....when my life changed forever. My younger brother, my best friend and fellow hell raiser......gone forever. afterwards, I'd dream of water, feeling its crushing grip on my lungs. From that day forward, I was lost....lost in my own pathetic mind. Wishing for death, too cowardly to bring it to myself, I fell into a mentally abusive pattern. I'd tell myself I was worthless, I carved lines into my own flesh with glass and razor blades. I was unimaginative when it came to attempts to end my own life. Wrapping a towel around one's neck and not having enough strength....that was pathetic...I woke up on the floor with a massive bump on my head the size of Jupiter. ha ha, I'm glad I can laugh at that one, now!!! Anyway...I have always been a little....awkward (?) around certain members of my family. Mainly one, though. Anyone who really knows me, knows exactly who I'm talking about. I was out of it like that until I was 16...when I met the two people I could relate to. Their names I'll disclose, but both of them were new at my school. Nightshade(I'll call her, just becuz I know she loves the plant) was the first one I hit it off with. The topic was snakes, of course. We both love them. hehehehe. Then one day as I was sitting in class, two of my classmates were sitting at the same table. The new kid left to go do something. and the other leaned over to me and started dissing the new guy. I've always been one to root for the underdog, so I got p. o. ed. hehe, the new guy walked in just in time to catch me cuzzing ath this jerk. lol We've been friends ever since. And so, we became the three people who everyone didn't like....but at least we weren't alone! And so began the future....where I can be who I want to and no one, not God nor Devil, can stand in my way of doing what makes me happy.....Rules were made to govern people into submission.....We are here to break the rules. ....... Now the only question is................................................................Where's the donut shop?

Shadows. ever creeping shadows. They are everywhere and unrelenting. Filling a body's heart with doubt. Spilling into a person's soul every darkness imaginable. I am no different. I trust no one, least of all, myself. My heart has a core that is soft and caring, but it has developed a hard outer shell, letting no one in. Therefore, the only person to be hurt, is myself. Pain is the only friend I have. I love the feel of blood running along my skin. Yes, I may sound mad, but look into your heart, for a moment. There are shadows there, as well. You doubt, you distrust, and you are secretly afraid of the darkness, and yet oddly enough, you are strangely attracted to it. There is but one way to escape the shadows, my poor fearful friend. one and one alone. You must embrace the darkness. Hold the shadows close to you, for only then will they stop hunting you. Darkness is in your soul, embrace it and find peace. It is a peace that only darkness can bring. Do not fear what you don't understand. Do not fear what you can't see. Do not even fear fear itself, for fear breeds chaos and so it shall continue to do so. If you must fear anything, fear what you think you understand. If you must, fear the words fed to you from the cradle. For only when you embrace the darkness and fear no more, can you truly see the truth. Do you feel it? The darkness is there, growing, deep inside your soul. Do not fear, wondering child, for darkness brings you a comfort that light cannot.